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Thursday, September 6, 2012

Longings, change and hope

There's something about Fall that stirs a feeling in me.  I'm not sure if it's longing or hope. I'm not sure how to describe it. I'm not even sure what causes it. Maybe it's longing for cooler days. Maybe it has to do with the upcoming holiday season.  Maybe its missing people that have been taken out of my life in one way or another.

I don't have the same feeling for the other seasons. I don't necessarily have negative feelings about the rest of the year. I just can't describe it.

I know I miss those who have passed away, mainly my son and my parents.

I didn't get to share the holdiays with my second son. He was here for a short 5 months. He passed away suddenly from a condition that we had no clue he had. That was in 1972 so he would be 40 now. I often wonder what kind of a man he would have been, what he would look like or who he would take after, me or Dean.  Or maybe he would have a completely different look, something that he would have pulled from our ancestors before us. I have so few pictures of him. So I like to look at my other sons and take a guess at which one he would have resembled more.

I miss my mother a lot.  Don't get me wrong, I miss my father too. But my sisters and I were extremely close to our mother.  She was our best friend. Both my parents passed away in 2001 within 5 months of each other.  What a blessing for them but how hard for us left behind! But I still want to call my mom and talk to her and tell her of the important milestones in our lives or just simply talk.

I miss the people I worked with at the credit union I worked at for 15 years.  It all ended so quickly,

I also feel bad for people that I've hurt througout my life. I was reflecting the other day and realized that I've had a lot of selfish moments in my life. How I regret any hurts I have caused! I wish I hadn't hurt anyone.  But I have tried to repent of what I can, as much as I can. Will I ever hurt anyone again? I hope not.  Not on purpose anyway. I would like to think I've learned from my past mistakes. However, there's always something new around the corner and I have to be prepared to deal with it.

Maybe I never had closure on these events in my life.  Maybe that's what this is all about. How does one get closure? I'm not sure. If the lack of closure is the real issue what do I do about it? Maybe nothing. Maybe I just need to keep moving on looking forward to the new day, the new season, the new year and looking forward to enjoying the people in my life now and meeting new people and having new experiences.  Wow! That was a long sentence.

Or maybe change is hard on me. I've contemplated what I've been through, the good and the bad, being happy and sad, and how all this has made me who I am today. Change is inevitable but there have been times in my life that change has been harder than others. Each day brings changes, some bigger than others.  Each day we grow older.  Some days I feel very old and others I feel like I'm a teenager.

Under the picture it says, "Change is the essence of life.  Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become."

I wonder how many other people feel this way?  Am I an oddity or are these common feelings?

I am truly grateful for those who are in my life now.  I have a wonderful, supportive, kind, forgiving, caring, gentle and loving husband. My children & grandchildren accept and love me unconditionally.  The people I work for and with are good people and we get along well.

So maybe I do have longings but I also have hope.  Hope for the future because I do have wonderful people in my life whether I see them every day or every so often or communicate only through email or Facebook or some other means of communication.

And I have Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.  They are the ones I lean heavily on.  They are the ones that will always be there no matter what. And for all this I am truly grateful.


  1. I think autumn is a time of loss. As we prepare for winter, we begin to think of death. I know I do, at least. There is a measure of necessary introspection that comes into the heart of man as the light grows shorter. We recognize that the long days of summer are gone and we must begin to prepare for the coldness of winter. I also have a feeling of pensive longing associated with fall. It is a nostalgic pang of regret, many times for the same things you talk about in your post: mistakes I've made, people I've hurt, loves I have lost along the way.

    It is good to know that for every fall season there is an accompanying spring. I look forward to hearing your thoughts as we race through the dark part of the year towards the eventual rebirth.

    Plus, I don't think you're very selfish. You probably just need to eat a piece of chocolate cake. That fixes everything.

    1. I think Chocolate anything sounds like what I need. Thanks for your comment Willow. I know people look at my blog but no one comments except Dean and now you. However it's all good. I find it's a fun way to express myself sometimes.

  2. I rarely leave comments, though I love getting comments on our blog, but I will leave one for you today.

    For what it's worth, and it's probably not worth much, I think closure is overrated. Fix the things you can, make amends where possible, and then move on and let the atonement work for what's left. The atonement is the ultimate closure after you do your part. Relationships that are in limbo right now because of a death continue on and will be renewed when we reunite so they don't really need any closure. And you have every right and reason as a mother to wonder about the son who has moved on. You wouldn't be human if you didn't.

    That's my two cents and it's probably not worth even that much, but now you have a comment from me. :)

    By the way, I believe that you have two sisters who also love you unconditionally.


  3. Thanks for the reminder Edie! Yes I have two great sisters that love me unconditionally!